New and Improved Blog

"For two people in a marriage to live together day after day is unquestionably the one miracle the Vatican has overlooked."
- Bill Cosby

Well, the blog isn't exactly new or improved. In fact, I am re-using the blog's original template. However, as you'll notice, the blog description has changed to "A Blog about Not-So-Newly Newlyweds."

That's right. I've decided to switch the focus of this blog to my marriage.

When I started this blog last year, I was homesick and lonely, and I wanted my family to be part of my life in Norfolk and know that I was always thinking about them. So, I wrote about my memories and told litte anecdotes from my daily life. I tried desparately to stay connected to my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, my niece, and my friends in Cookeville. I wanted them to read my thoughts in my voice and know that I hadn't disappeared from their lives completely. And while I don't think the blog thrived as I'd hoped (but then again, I didn't really advertise it), it made me feel better.

Then, something happened: I developed a life in Norfolk, complete with three jobs, school, volunteer work, and all the stress that follows. The blog stopped. While I've adjusted and I'm "back on track," I realize I won't be able to write every day.  My goal is to write once a week. If I surpass that goal, then it'll be a miracle.

I will write about marriage and happiness, two things I haven't focused on enough in my daily life. As a matter of fact, marriage and happiness are my two greatest challenges. I'm bad at marriage and happiness. I'm really bad at marriage. And I honestly don't think I have ever been truly happy for an extended period of time.

Wow. I just admitted THAT. (It was easier than I thought it would be.) At this time, I feel an explanation is due, so I'll take one subject at a time.

1.) Marriage. If you're a close friend or family member, you know that my marriage to Lucas has been a tremendous struggle. We went on a date, fell in love, got married, adopted a dog, made a few snap decisions, and moved to Eastern Virginia. And we fought the entire time. To be perfectly honest, throughout our almost two years of marriage, we haven't gone longer than two days without having a full blown-crying- shouting-saying hateful things to one another fight. While we always apologize to each other and admit our short-comings as husband and wife, we still haven't found a way to communicate affectively. I'm greatly to blame for this. I am stubborn, and I have a hard time completely forgiving Lucas for his actions. I'm also really uptight, and  I can make life a living hell for Lucas very easily. For instance, if Lucas forgets to close the cabinet doors or leaves the bathroom light on, that's fair game for an attack. And unfortunately, unlike my maternal grandfather, Lucas is extremely sensitive and unable to ignore me when I roll my eyes and mumble about his "laziness" under my breath. On the other hand, Lucas knows how anal retentive I can be, and he doesn't always do his best accomodate my, well, craziness. But, then again, why should I expect him to walk on pins and needles? Before I go on an unneccessary tangeant, I will get to the heart of the matter. I've spent so much time being bitter and angry about moving to Norfolk that I've lost track of what it means to be in love and married. The things is, being angry with my husband simply isn't going to help the situation. It's not going to make us move back to Cookeville. It's not going to make life in Norfolk better. And it certainly isn't going to make our marriage stronger. It's time to let the resentment go.

I need want to focus on having a beautiful, meaningful marriage to a man who was so easy to fall in love with, I accpeted his proposal after only five months of dating.

2.) Happiness. Sounds strange, but I have never been good at being happy. By nature, I am not a happy person and I have to actually work at it. Yes, that's right. I have to really try hard to be happy. I'm not clinically depressed. I don't currently see a therapist or take anti-depressants. I'm not suicidal. But in general, I'm not a smiley, laughing, happy-go-lucky, spontaneous, lovin' life kinda gal. I like to be alone for extended periods of time. I'm not a fan of big social events. I don't like going places and doing things unless I've mentally prepared myself. And even then, I can't guarantee that I'll enjoy myself. I hide being uncomfortable around people by either not speaking or using sarcasm, which makes me seem boring, rude, and/or generally unpleasant unless you appreciate sarcasm.

I am the Grinch.

My general teeth-clenching, eyebrows furrowed appearance says it all. To top it off, I'm married to a man, who, if allowed by his wife, would have people at our house every night, travel all the time, and spend ridiculous amounts of money on trips and material possessions that would bring joy to our lives. He likes to be happy. This causes problems in our relationship, too. His adventurous, people-loving, bohemian-like spirit and my inability to see the glass half full clash a tad bit.

But you see, like the Grinch, my heart has the capactiy to grow. And I want to be happy... if possible, all the time. While it goes against my general state of being, I want to give living a happy existance a try. Complete with dimple-bearing smiles and, (gulp) dare I say it, a positive outlook on life.

So, with this blog, I will write about my success, my failure, and my attempts at living a better life.
Happiness and marriage don't seem like bad things to put my energy towards. Here goes...well, something.